ιΗΞΛRΤψου♥: 4/11/13

Hi pepols. It's been a hella long time I didn't post anything here. Well, my life just get busier you know. I've said before that maybe if I had a laptop, I could probably update my life more often. But, I dont have*cry*. Let's just wait for next year okay? Ha ha. So, long story short. I'm 17 for 7 months now ha ha ha. It's 4/11 and on 6.11.2013 I WILL BE HAVING ONE OF THE BIGGEST EXAMINATION IN MY LIFE ( 17 years I live lol) :O just kidding. It's just SPM. I mean, I know it's important. But it only determine where you will pursue you study, what carrier you gonna have. But I think it all depends on you. It's not about life and death anyway. Don't get me wrong. I never say that it's okay not to pass examinations, yeah it's okay, only when you already tried your best and study. Not because yolo. Lol. YOLO pun yolo lah tapi exam penting juga bro. I really don't know how to explain but I just hope people who read this understand ha ha.

WISH ME LUCK

Enough about examination. I wanna talk about school. I hate school. School has becoming meaner and meaner every single day. I hate that I have to go through all the shit everyday. All the people. But then I know that i'm strong, because I managed to get out alive. And i'm glad there's still some good day out of the weeks and months. 5 years I stayed at smsp, the last 3 years was the worst *sigh. I don't really wanna talk about it. Past is past. But I just afraid that I can't forgive some people though.. No matter how much I tried to be positive about all things i'm afraid I just can't. They literally bring down & smeared my name so bad that I think until I die, I will never forget and forgive them. I am really sorry. I just pray that someday you will feel what I feel, and god will open my heart to forgive you people. If you were in my position, I think you would have already cut yourself. You don't know a shit that I have to go through at school and at home. Feel like you're alone. Isolated. Bullied. Not loved. Not cared. But guess what? I surpassed all that. Because the time I stop giving much care, I came to a realization that you don't own my life. It is you who have problem, not me. You yourself must came to your own realization. You hating, humiliate other people. Wow, i'm sure that you & your life is so damn fucking good & perfect.

Well kudos. I'm happy for you. Continue with what you do you will pass life easily. Lol

So, love life. I haven't in a relationship for a good 2 years now. Last relationship I have is when I was in form 3 (2011). It was actually good, isn't it? It gives me time to think and time to give time to myself. Just me. And proves that I break up with my ex not because i've found someone else (bcus that's what his accusation to me) but simply because the feeling wasn't there anymore. It's good to be honest than lying, right? He sure thanked me for that. Because my rule is simple, if you don't have a feeling for me anymore or if you've found someone else that's better than me, you better tell me. Because I valued honesty. I don't want to be in a relationship where you have nothing left. Where my boyfriend texts and meet other girl secretly. Where my boyfriend love other girl and not me. I don't wanna be cheated on. I don't wanna found out from other people. And I don't wanna waste my time with someone that already found time with other girl when actually the time that I wasted can be use to find other boy or just me being alone healing myself.

But timing must also be right though. The way you tell it all & how things started etc. But sometimes it just happens without any reasons, you know. That simply mean that he/she wasn't your soulmate. And you gotta accept that. But, if you believe that you guys still have something left, go for it. Because you don't want to feel regret later.

I post this status on wechat. Lol ha ha. And I feel like posting it here. This is 100% from me. Because there's someone asked me whether this is from me or from google lol -.- This is basically what's in my heart during writing this & I think people who read this sure know how I feel. The person that I meant here, is someone who recently I can stay steal my heart HA HA HA. I'm just trying to be honest. Because I think it's time for me to put down my ego a little bit. But I don't think he's gonna read this because he don't have a wechat at the moment. Which is good though. This is what I wrote:

"I hope you understand. I don't want to put my feeling in an uncertain situation/position. I don't want to go overboard. When the truth is you and I are not even -. I hope you understand, why I becoming like this -distancing myself away, and change from what I used to be. In term of everything. I may look like the bad person here. But I just want to protect my heart. If I didn't care about all this I can just continue on with what i've been doing. But that would be much more hurtful. Cus then all things that we done or we say there won't be a single heart attached on it. Won't give me any difference when you around or not. Would you prefer that? I don't think so. I'm the type of person when I already put my heart to someone I just want him. Focus on him. Everythings about him. That's why I don't let you cross that boundary. That's why I don't let my guard down -which I think I already did, but I brought it up back.

Lets just give time about all this. Think thoroughly. So in the end when we both don't 'click', we can move on with our life easier with someone else. You probably don't know this, but it's really hard for me not becoming what I wanna be or used to be. You thought you're the only whos hurt. No.

I think it's fair that hurt is feel on both side. That's make our feeling legit, ain't it?

Whatever happens in the end, I wont regret knowing you. I cherished every sweet/good memories that I had with someone. It helps me to move on with my life regardless of what happen. I will be smiling alone like crazy whenever I reminisced back all sweet/fun/good memories and I thank every people, every single person who give me that. And will always thank god for that ;)"

True

Okay. He is someone who I can say, uhm different. I rarely give out my feeling though. Even with my exes before. But I don't know, with him.... But I must say that he's nobody to me & i'm nobody to him we're basically just friend. On sms. Same school. We text a lot & about many things. It's just that this few months that we have gotten closer. He texted me since last year but only like several times and about small things. I really really really don't know where this feeling came from. But i'm pretty sure it's just temporary though. That's why I need time. We both need time to think what this is. Feelings can change from time to time and that is what i'm afraid of, this uncertainty. But boy, I do placed you some place in my heart because I wanna keep it as part of my memory ;) Like every other people who make good and fun memories with me. Thank you ya Allah.